'Please Sir, I Want Some More?'

Crippling depression began to affect my wallet as no bills nor coins where left to keep it company. Over the week, I had exhausted all money on accommodation, only putting aside a little each day to buy myself either bread or pasta from the discounted section at the grocery store. A disciplined daily routine ensued as I was determined to find employment or a wife that would allow me to pursue my lifetime goal of being a gold digger.

First week in Auckland
Everyday
* 9:00am - Wake up just before the cleaners came (mainly because I was actually sneaking into the hostel under someone else's name)
* 9:30am - Arrive at the warm embrace of America's obesity problem, also known as Burger King, Wendy's, and Carl's Jr. All of these places offer unlimited wifi (with the exception of Wendy's who only allows an hour ((cheap ass Pippi Longstockings turd heads))). Like a leech, I was not the only one bleeding out these fast food joints for the free wifi. Auckland's entire homeless demographic seems to congregate there daily, trolling for empty cups to fill up with the free soda. I blended in quite well with this crowd, other than having my laptop out and actually applying for jobs.
* 10:00am - Having numerous interviews lined up each day, I would Oregon Trail my ass to each job, applying for other jobs along the way. Like Paris Hilton, my resume was getting around quite a bit
* 3:00pm - Explore different walking routes home while working on my growing anger problem toward those who had enough money to take the bus
*5:00pm - Try not to get recognized back at Burger King. Sit at a table where people left their half eaten meals to make it look like I bought food. Check my email in hopes that I had received responses from perspective employers as well as Facebook...obvi
*6:00pm - Fight off hoards of Asians for the reduced priced food at the grocery store
*7:00pm - Really uneventful stuff

A Familiar First Impression

Ominous clouds sat upon long stretches of greenery as I finally made my way out the airport and into civilization on the $16 bus ride. 'A bit like England' I thought to myself as the amount of round abouts we went through resembled a route scribbled by a 5 year old with Parkinson's. An hour and 3 missed stops later, I hop off the bus and instantly crumble to the cobble stone walkway from what I deem to be New Zealand's particularly heavy gravity...later discovering that it was simply the burden of my life packed into the 4 bags I was carrying.

Like Samwise and Frodo, my journey through Mordor led to uncomfortable confrontation and treacherous times. The quest to find my hostel was met by rolling San Francisco sized hills and an unimaginable amount of orcs...I mean Asians. The unpopulated streets of Auckland city center felt like I was in a small chinatown as the dialects from various Asian cultures invaded my ears.
'Where where all the Kiwis?' I remember thinking. 'Did these Asians eat them all?'

Aside from all these orcs, dammit... I mean Asians, cardboard boxes shaped into beds were laid down in front of every other store front. Window shopping apparently meant obtaining a free homeless person with a purchase of $1.50 or more. The largest vagrant demographic seemed to be Maoris or Samoans, being large enough to use them as actual landmarks.
'So what you're gonna wanna do, is walk straight until you see the Humpty Dumpty-esque dude who makes his ukulele look like a small pork riblet, then turn right. After, follow the smell of the hairy boulder that appears like they haven't moved in decades, and our store is right behind the guy that resembles a wrecking ball that makes his tank top look like a crop top.'  

As the clouds pulled a Moses and parted the skies, a beam of bright light manifested the arrival at my destination. A chorus of falsetto angels began to sing and I happily walked into the warm embrace of the hostel, only glancing behind me to see the bus stop directly outside the front doors.

How Appetizing Does "Riblet" Sound?

The salted fragrance of McDonalds fries sat stagnant in the air as an advertisement for a $4.50 pork riblet foot long from Subway taunted me from afar. The late night airport arrival left me setting up my make shift bed on a table in the vacant food court in attempts to save money for a nights accommodation. Even my own echo could be heard when opening my bleak wallet as tumbleweeds could be spotted between the few dollar bills.

The only solace to be had was from a good friend that met me at the arrivals gate. Keeping my sanity in check, we spoke all night about the fond memories we use to share. On lonesome nights, we would destress by sharing popcorn and he would tell me tales of his adventures. Although a bit rigid, he is always my rock in the stormiest of times. Some say he is hard headed, but I say he just has a solid foundation. In fact, we always have the same arguments. In terms of deodorant, I have always been an Old Spice type of guy, but for him, he always prefers Axe...

You probably imagined that was going in a different direction