Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 5 Blue Steel

Trendy rompers and hybrid felt fedoras coated the chic clientele at the New Zealand Fashion Week expo. I, in my $5 black Walmart purchased v-neck shirt, $18 hole oriented (from ware not snazziness) black jeans, and $17 sweat shop constructed sneakers blended in as well as a confederate flag in a southern Baptist church. While the women were all legs and sharp features, I had to be anchored to a nearby table to prevent myself from being pushed off the balcony from the inflated egos and conceitedness.

While many played the role of, "oh...I'm not one for photos," or "ugh..I look terrible today," it was genuinely amazing how as soon as the camera was on them BAM they would strike the most modelesque pose possible. This video sums it up pretty well:

Pursed lips, a tantalizing glance over the shoulder, with one leg bent at exactly 130 degrees. To convey that beauty isn't every thing, I continued to work all day with pieces of spinach "purposely placed" between my teeth. While I unfortunately didn't get any females' numbers (dudes were a different story), I did pick up a couple tips from some insightful fashionistas:

1) If you're hungry...eat water 

2) I have a great coiffure

3) What coiffure means

4) I have some great cheeks

5) #4...was not talking about my face

6) The Asian modeling community would accept me...after some skin whitening...and a nose job...and an eye job.

Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 4 Baby Mama

The faint smell of fecal matter wafted through the air. The palms of people's hands acted as ear muffs, but the high pitched sounds of crying still managed to penetrate the ear drums. Parents hastily ran through the entanglement of leashes that others were wise enough to attach their children too. It was utter chaos. The fire exits were blocked with broken down prams and the entrances were crowded with over packed strollers...there was no escaping.

For three days straight, I was the photographer at the Baby Show for the Auckland Kindergarten Association. My job was primarily to not make the babies cry and somehow be entertaining enough for them to look directly at the lens while I snapped a picture. Babies are ugly. Some were cute-but mostly ugly. The upside was the people watching. According to extensive research during my three days, I narrowed mothers down to two categories: The normal, "I'm fucking tired, so forgive me for wearing sweats" mom and the high heeled, excessively made up, looking for a new daddy mother. Luckily for me, I now have

 1

2

 9 children

Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 3 Can You Hear Me Now?

A trip down south, to Hamilton (what Aucklanders would consider the white trash of New Zealand) brought me to Fielday, an expo for farmers to see the newest innovations in farming equipment and how to enhance their rural life. During my free time, I would aimlessly wander around the field grounds checking out the milking machines for cows to the hunting rifles which were ironically right next to the petting zoo. A beach kid like me had no idea what such a life entailed, as I was more giddy than a school girl to see sheep and cows up close. And as intrigued as I was about the animals, the farmers found themselves in awe to be up close to an Asian..that didn't sound Asian.

While working a promotional gig for Vodafone, we would gather folks up and heard them into this pin where we would take pictures of them...and then brutally slaughter them...and then slow cook them. And it was to my luck and honor that I met some famous rugby players while doing this job. Once I find out who the hell they are, I'll let you know...But still counts, famous by association!

Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 2 Touch My Produce

When you come to New Zealand as a backpacker

...and end up striking stardom as a rep for the local grocery store

...and then as an infamous predator for handing out free chocolates to little children

Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 1 Uberly Creamed

With my visa situation still in limbo, I began my journey picking up odd jobs around the city. From promotional gigs to street corners...in food trucks. I found the variety of work extremely entertaining with little time to bitch or moan about how much I hated my job(s). Meeting a variety of people was awesome, although because they are usually one-off jobs making friends was a bit more challenging.

For this event, us lucky "students" were runners for Uber. No, we didn't piggyback clients to where they needed to be, but instead added to their laziness by supplying them with a special flavor of Lewis Road Creamery ice cream. They would beckon upon us, and like an Uber driver we would respond to the call and book it to the location as quick as possible. Providing Auckland is primarily all hills, I instead decided to find a nice quiet picnic spot and devour any trace of ice cream in my cooler.