Now When You Call Me A Fruit...Do You Mean A Kiwi?: Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 5 Blue Steel

Intro

The screams of my obnoxiously bright tank tops and board shorts disrupted the silence of the desolate Auckland International airport as I strangled them to the bottom of my 80 pound green backpack that could barely contain the struggle. For the countless days of even my sweat sweating had been traded for the frigid winds of New Zealand. The transition was easy you see, not because of my acceptance into Gandalf's You Shall Not Pass University (third best after Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted) but because of the outlandish Thai logic that I was confronted with during my last week while in Thailand. But I digress, you already know about my deep rooted hatred toward Thai rationale from how famous my previous

blog

is amongst the illiterate.

Prior to reading this second attempt at a travel journal, you may have some questions that you want answered. And like any crime show or suspenseful movie, I'll answer these mysteries in the beginning rather than wait until the end.

"Why New Zealand?" asks Katie Couric.
Well Kate, frankly it was the cheapest and most viable option. Australia was out of the question as its $400 for a working Holiday Visa, which means its a trillion and something Thai Baht. New Zealand on the other hand, offers free Holiday Visas for U.S. citizens-but you'll have to ask Donald Trump if you fall into that category. Ahhh yes, I forgot...I also hate Asian people.

"Where exactly is this 'New Zealand' you speak of?" implores Anderson Cooper.
I have no idea. I was blindfolded, gagged, and sent to what I believe is an Island. Once Liam Neeson realizes I'm his daughter, I'll have more information on my whereabouts when he finds me.

"What can we expect to read here?" probes Diane Sawyer.
Pretty much a lot of spelling and grammar errors. The consistent incorrect usage of 'then' and 'than.' Really uneventful and monotone writing. Crude and inappropriate humor that most people ponder yet fail to say in fear of social backlash. Cheesy Lord of the Rings references, and of course, interpretive dance demonstrations and their correlation to my bowel movements.

In preparation for further reading, please ensure that your pillows are fluffed and tv tray tables are in their full upright sturdy position, your belt buckle is loose and your pants are fully unbuttoned and all essential items are within arms reach. With this said ladies and gentleman, I hope you enjoy this journey with me...Denzel Washington.

Monday, 12 September 2016

Odd Jobs For The "Unemployed"-Part 5 Blue Steel

Trendy rompers and hybrid felt fedoras coated the chic clientele at the New Zealand Fashion Week expo. I, in my $5 black Walmart purchased v-neck shirt, $18 hole oriented (from ware not snazziness) black jeans, and $17 sweat shop constructed sneakers blended in as well as a confederate flag in a southern Baptist church. While the women were all legs and sharp features, I had to be anchored to a nearby table to prevent myself from being pushed off the balcony from the inflated egos and conceitedness.

While many played the role of, "oh...I'm not one for photos," or "ugh..I look terrible today," it was genuinely amazing how as soon as the camera was on them BAM they would strike the most modelesque pose possible. This video sums it up pretty well:

Pursed lips, a tantalizing glance over the shoulder, with one leg bent at exactly 130 degrees. To convey that beauty isn't every thing, I continued to work all day with pieces of spinach "purposely placed" between my teeth. While I unfortunately didn't get any females' numbers (dudes were a different story), I did pick up a couple tips from some insightful fashionistas:

1) If you're hungry...eat water

2) I have a great coiffure

3) What coiffure means

4) I have some great cheeks

5) #4...was not talking about my face

6) The Asian modeling community would accept me...after some skin whitening...and a nose job...and an eye job.