The screams of my obnoxiously bright tank tops and board shorts disrupted the silence of the desolate Auckland International airport as I strangled them to the bottom of my 80 pound green backpack that could barely contain the struggle. For the countless days of even my sweat sweating had been traded for the frigid winds of New Zealand. The transition was easy you see, not because of my acceptance into Gandalf's You Shall Not Pass University (third best after Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted) but because of the outlandish Thai logic that I was confronted with during my last week while in Thailand. But I digress, you already know about my deep rooted hatred toward Thai rationale from how famous my previous
Prior to reading this second attempt at a travel journal, you may have some questions that you want answered. And like any crime show or suspenseful movie, I'll answer these mysteries in the beginning rather than wait until the end.
"Why New Zealand?" asks Katie Couric. Well Kate, frankly it was the cheapest and most viable option. Australia was out of the question as its $400 for a working Holiday Visa, which means its a trillion and something Thai Baht. New Zealand on the other hand, offers free Holiday Visas for U.S. citizens-but you'll have to ask Donald Trump if you fall into that category. Ahhh yes, I forgot...I also hate Asian people.
"Where exactly is this 'New Zealand' you speak of?" implores Anderson Cooper. I have no idea. I was blindfolded, gagged, and sent to what I believe is an Island. Once Liam Neeson realizes I'm his daughter, I'll have more information on my whereabouts when he finds me.
"What can we expect to read here?" probes Diane Sawyer. Pretty much a lot of spelling and grammar errors. The consistent incorrect usage of 'then' and 'than.' Really uneventful and monotone writing. Crude and inappropriate humor that most people ponder yet fail to say in fear of social backlash. Cheesy Lord of the Rings references, and of course, interpretive dance demonstrations and their correlation to my bowel movements.
In preparation for further reading, please ensure that your pillows are fluffed and tv tray tables are in their full upright sturdy position, your belt buckle is loose and your pants are fully unbuttoned and all essential items are within arms reach. With this said ladies and gentleman, I hope you enjoy this journey with me...Denzel Washington.
My pheromones excreted desperation as I was hoping that my tears would somehow act like a slip and slide for women to come slithering my way. The loneliness of the commercial holiday known as Valentine's day made me think that perhaps my only shot of true love would be the endless amount of sub par food at the buffet chain known as Valentines. But with a resilience toward settling, my friend and I were able to pick up two young school girls outside the local playground and take them for a romantic getaway to Hot Water Beach.
Super stoked that these girls fell for the old "we have lollipops and real life unicorns in our van" trick
As my intimate relationship with Otis the Odyssey began to blossom, my sense of adventure followed as well. With the longest New Zealand road trip known to date, a few co-workers and I decided to pack our bags and go for a mini vacay in my minivan.
Day 1: Blue Springs
Nothing says long road trip in a confined car better than home cooked Chinese dumplings and fresh dog
First stop- Auschwitz (...sorry too soon, too soon)
Second stop- The decapitated pet bazaar
Final destination- Pure dopeness
Where we tested our engineering skills and constructed highly sinkable boats made of dead plant matter
Took risky jumps into unsafe shallow waters
With the result of permanent retardation
Created a supportive team building environment to publicly poo
Tapped some tiny unevenly tanned ass realllll hard
...and then drank away the pain
Day 2: Blue Lake (as you can tell, creativity in naming locations is one of NZ's strong suits)
First stop- Kerosene Creek, an arsenic's wet dream
Final destination- Blue lake in its entire majesticness
Where we reenacted the miracle known as child birth
That eventually led to our fertile selves being slightly more hungrily aroused than anticipated
Day 3: Huka Falls
Converted all females into Asian boys with bowl haircuts
Tucked our heads under our knees and kissed our bum goodbye
Spent some quality bonding time with Otis...as well as aired out the dank farts polluting the interior
Sat on a 'bridge over troubled water'
Eyed young children from afar
Met a ginger tree
Went cave exploring
Day 4: Taupo
Touched by the natural environment
Rescued this poor drowning Sol
Etched a self portrait
Failed at kayaking
Day 5: Raglan
Experienced a heavy flow
Joined a hippie circus commune
Ruined beautiful scenery with my grotesque dry monkey feet
Experienced boiling point on my no no parts
Watched laughter slowly turn into genuine distress and anguish
Saturday, 5 March 2016
Once a year in the States, people find pleasure watching men in tights fondle each other in an aggressive fashion. Where the sounds of helmets clanking can be heard throughout the world and the brute force of a single hit can make even our own insides shutter. This gladiatorial event is the Superbowl.
Although I may be miles away from home, the traditions have no boundaries. A day filled with absolute gluttony, beer, and asking "what's going on now?" was the perfect way to feel like I was at home.
2 minutes into the start:
Pretending to watch the game, when realistically trying to figure out how to split the last 2 pieces of pizza amongst 4 people
3 minutes into the start:
Completely lost interest...no more pizza
7 minutes into the start:
Ohh, clam infused tomato juice
7 minutes and 8 sec into the start:
Yep...thats gross
9 minutes into the start:
Ohhh home made wings, lets watch some FOOTBALLLLLL!!
Wide eyed, antenna blowing in the wind, and tongue lazily dragging along the asphalt while drooling all over the bumper is how I personify Otis the Odyssey. Adopted from an Asian man and his father whom I'm sure had no idea what was going on and wanted to resume his Chinese soap operas, the bargain was pretty good. Talked down to $4400, with 132,000 Kilometers, Otis has been well behaved and has been worth the investment. Potty training him did take about $500 worth of effort, but now he is leak, brake, smoke, and STD free.
While some may perceive me as a soccer mom, or others as a backpacker occasionally sleeping in his car, most still view me as ...your stereotypical Asian driver. Ok sure, every once in a while I need to be reminded which side of the road to drive on, or which side of the wheel my turn signals are, but overall...I strike fear in other drivers when I pull up with my factory produced 7" rims and sleek dry ice colored sports...van.
