That One Baby Jesus's Birfday

The smell of pine and freshly baked cinnamon cookies seems to magically waft through the air during this time of year. Many rush to find the best online or in-store bargains, while others strive to stay away from the commercialism by locking themselves in their panic room. As for the life of a backpacker, family doesn't need to be blood, but rather those that add value to your life...so I spent Christmas Eve's Eve alone, cause everyone sucks. Just kidding, I spent it drowning my loneliness in alcohol at our work's first ever "Secret" Santa Christmas partay.

With almost everyone in attendance, the gifts as you would imagine were cheap, vulgar,... 

 ...and extremely personalized as I had received a penis shaped present, composed of a bar of penis shaped soap, with a penis shaped cactus and an awesome backpacking cup...in the shape of a penis.

And as the alcohol flowed 

 Round

After round 

After round

 Things began to get a bit incestrious as we generously supplied the gift that just keeps on giving...in 9 months

But apart from the life known as hospitality, Christmas day was well spent. A diverse group of all us females gathered together as our families were abroad or simply hated us. We spent the morning on a coastal hike, prepping ourselves as well as our bowels for the feast that would ensue. 

Take a guess which girl is me?

 Discreetly blending in with nature  

Enjoying Santa's balls  

 A silent night, for our fallen (pushed) comrades 

A true christmas miracle..that she is now impregnated with my child

Finally back to Spencer (the car) after hitchhiking from a bearded man that lured us into his sleigh with wrapped presents with little kids names on them

Get a little crazy when I only just get the tip

All I want for Christmas is...3 girls, 4 cups...right after dinner

A volcanic ham that explodes pineapple juice 

Good ol' fashion egg nog 

 ..and by egg nog, I mean protein brah

Waiting for these sexy foxes to jingle my bells

The King Of All Mighty Gingers

A vast sea of flames illuminated the sky, as thousands of red heads were out of hibernation and attending the Ed Sheeran concert. Luckily for us, the sun was at full blaze and quite attentive to these fair-skinned freckly translucent gingers as they ran out of line in fear that they may spontaneously combust. Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead as their sun burnt skin acted as a solar panel, radiating scorching temperatures to all adjacent fan goers. Similar to the Jewish birthright trip, I imagine this is how the red headed population intends to mingle and copulate in avoidance of utter extinction.

Just 5 rows from the front of the stage, my Kiwi friends said that we were in the thick of the "mosh pit." Now a mosh pit from my experience looks more like a giant group of skin heads colliding together in a circle as if they were reliving their abusive childhood. This on the other hand, were pubescent teen girls who just discovered that their hormones flare up every time they see One Direction and a Jonas brother. 

Opening for Senior Sheeran was Passenger. Given I did think he sounded like Dobby, the suffering house elf on the radio he was actually awesome live and super charismatic...so I threw my underwear on stage.

The "last" song of the night left the audience in an insecure emotional state. The faint cries of sorrow and wallowing can be heard in the background, and it is without a doubt, definitely, not me sniffling and uncontrollably sobbing.

The HIGHly Adventous SEXtuplet

A stiff breeze aimed to cool us down but instead fueled the stagnant resentment that was piling up. The heeded warnings of Jon Snow should have been a tale of caution as he was indeed correct... "winter is coming." Everyday felt like a Friday at the restaurant as the suit and ties would stroll in with the intention of blowing off Christmas stress with copious amounts of alcohol. Getting slammed at the bar with long nights and back to back shifts, we were lucky our time off request was honored. A fantastic opportunity to escape for a few days, be one with the lush greenery, and even smoke bit of it as well.

2 Hours behind schedule, too many people in the car, and 1 steering wheel on the wrong side

 Family photo: The proper sister, the absent minded adopted daughter, the emo teenager, the easy going father, the stern mother, and their semi retarded Asian exchange student

When you discover greatness

 New Zealand's marijuana hills

Really high

....up on a cliff 

 Incorrectly describing where the sun is coming from

Sub par road head

Self driving car

That moment you thought it was a really great idea.... and you were right

 Mobile home..unless you're poor in which case...normal home

 Thai foreigners

 All American New York farm boy

Unphysical orgy...my least favorite kind 

 Wilderness pedophile

 Discreetly urinating

 When you bring Irish people along with you, they tend to know leprechauns

Automatic water blurring feature

To get rid of the uglies in your pictures

When you don't realize you've been looking at nothingness for 2 and half hours

Authentic wool panties

The Answer to An Age-Old Question

Finally being properly educated on where babies come from

...and here I thought we were all Made in China

A Cocky Design Team

A top a grassy null entitled One Tree Hill is where strong winds took our imagination. Just below us, made from an assortment of volcanic rocks, strangers left their mark by forming the words "Fiji," "I love you Ula," and "Alan was here." Disgusted by such genericness, our artistic side began to glimmer as the sun slowly emerged from the clouds and we decided to take a crack at designing our own message.

Strokes of creativity began to bubble up inside of us. On lookers from higher platforms began to look in aw...or maybe it was repulsiveness, I didn't have my glasses on so it could go either way. Our masterpiece, nearly finished, was instantly overrun by a crew of local Boy Scouts. With a flick of their ascot, and an intimidating amount of badges we quickly scurried off once we put the last rock in place.

 Unfortunately we didn't have time to remove the R.I.P at the bottom of our art, therefore it looks as if we are tributing our fallen penises that courageously fought hard but didn't make it out through the era of circumcisions and vasectomies.

Exsqueeze Me, I Need Some Clarity #2

Kiwi Word:
"Jandals"

Meaning:
A New Zealand slang word for flip flops. What most Kiwi's don't know is that the word is an abbreviation for Japanese sandal.

Sentence:
"Yo dude, those are some sick jandals you got there"
"Do your jandals hurt when you wear them too long?"

My First Experience with such lingo:

Since the dawn of time I thought that jandals was a mix of the two words Jesus + Sandal= Jandals. This would ultimately lead to me thinking that everyone looked much more religious...or like spartans.

Now, I have come to the realization that jandals are simply flippy floppies.

Balls Deep With Ron Jeremy

Found a forgotten phone at the restaurant, BUT no need to worry! We matched his undercarriage to the man who claimed the lost cell phone to ensure that its back in the right hands.

To think that we were only 1% away from missing such gloriousness