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Intro

The screams of my obnoxiously bright tank tops and board shorts disrupted the silence of the desolate Auckland International airport as I strangled them to the bottom of my 80 pound green backpack that could barely contain the struggle. For the countless days of even my sweat sweating had been traded for the frigid winds of New Zealand. The transition was easy you see, not because of my acceptance into Gandalf's You Shall Not Pass University (third best after Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted) but because of the outlandish Thai logic that I was confronted with during my last week while in Thailand. But I digress, you already know about my deep rooted hatred toward Thai rationale from how famous my previous
is amongst the illiterate.

Prior to reading this second attempt at a travel journal, you may have some questions that you want answered. And like any crime show or suspenseful movie, I'll answer these mysteries in the beginning rather than wait until the end.

"Why New Zealand?" asks Katie Couric.
Well Kate, frankly it was the cheapest and most viable option. Australia was out of the question as its $400 for a working Holiday Visa, which means its a trillion and something Thai Baht. New Zealand on the other hand, offers free Holiday Visas for U.S. citizens-but you'll have to ask Donald Trump if you fall into that category. Ahhh yes, I forgot...I also hate Asian people.

"Where exactly is this 'New Zealand' you speak of?" implores Anderson Cooper.
I have no idea. I was blindfolded, gagged, and sent to what I believe is an Island. Once Liam Neeson realizes I'm his daughter, I'll have more information on my whereabouts when he finds me.

"What can we expect to read here?" probes Diane Sawyer.
Pretty much a lot of spelling and grammar errors. The consistent incorrect usage of 'then' and 'than.' Really uneventful and monotone writing. Crude and inappropriate humor that most people ponder yet fail to say in fear of social backlash. Cheesy Lord of the Rings references, and of course, interpretive dance demonstrations and their correlation to my bowel movements.

In preparation for further reading, please ensure that your pillows are fluffed and tv tray tables are in their full upright sturdy position, your belt buckle is loose and your pants are fully unbuttoned and all essential items are within arms reach. With this said ladies and gentleman, I hope you enjoy this journey with me...Denzel Washington.

Blog Archive

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

The White Family And Their Asian Exchange Student

I suppose it was only inevitable that the original cast of The Glass Goose would become a family more so than awkward co-workers. Once the few douchebags and retards were weeded out, it was the core group of friends that stood strong even through the repetition of the same playlist day after day.
Even I became quite efficient behind the bar, not only pouring water from the dispense gun, but also being able to translate through the thick Kiwi accent...I know, a true success story. It took numerous mistakes and embarrassment to get to this pivotal stage, but thats all behind me now. I refuse to remember the occasions in which someone asked for bourbon on the rocks and I gently placed small pebbles in their drink or when neat translated to an extra clean glass...awkkkwarrrddd. Perhaps playing Vanna White when asked about the variety of whiskeys we carry suited me a bit better as I would vaguely open my posture up to point in the general direction of the 3 massive shelves of spirits behind me. Becoming more acquainted with alcohol, I have learned the following:

1) There is no such thing as an overpour
2) Apple Sourz taste like an orgasm in your mouth...but thats negated by everyone thinking you're a little bitch
3) All beer still taste the same
4) Limes burn when you get them in your cuts, your eyes, and your butt
5) No one actually knows anything about wine
6) James Bond is really not that suave as martinis are meant to be stirred, not shaken
7) That exercising your liver doesn't really make it stronger
8) How to spell shampain
9) Popping champagne bottles is oddly erotic
10) Fireball is significantly less tasty when in comes back up





Even found myself a bit of true love...for coconuts

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