Childsplay With Grown Ass Adults

Responsibility and Maturity seem to be best friends that peer pressure us to join them in the battle with age. And as much as we may need their company, its refreshing to be a kid again. A night of glow in the dark bowling and laser tag was a throwback to birthday memories when I was merely...25 years old.

 Boys vs Girls diagnosed with cooties...and herpes

 Gutter balls never looked so elegant

 Imitating Lance Armstrong

We isn't believe'n no gun control down souf

 My accuracy in laser tag sadly resembles my success rate with women

What better way to celebrate being a kid than getting a Happy Meal...and then accidentally touching Ronald's balls in the ball pit

A Fear Of Santa Clause + Fidel Castro= Claustrophobia

The sounds of deep breaths echoed throughout the darkness as stalactites loomed above, yearning to stab me in the back at a centurial rate. The claustrophobia was barely tolerable as I slowly excreted gas from my anus that smothered the crisp cool air and turned the cave into a literal gas chamber. The strawberry milkshake the day before was a poor idea.

This adventure to the Waipu caves was not for the faint hearted as we crawled through numbing stagnant water and contorted our bodies like Chinese gymnasts to fit through the narrow crevices. The pathway farther into the cave was not outlined by a yellow brick road, but instead, was undefined and paved with curiosity. 

Entrance to the Bat Cave

 We used his pale ass legs to illuminate our way

Tunnel into the United States in preparation for Donald Trump banning other ethnicities

Inside the small intestines of Moby Dick 

 In search of my manlyhood

 Glow in the dark sperm

 Still not the biggest wood she's had

When your buddy takes TOO much pleasure in taking ass photos with you

When You Start To Feel Like An Immigrant

A single bead of sweat slithers down the small of my back to join the damp waistband of my imposter Calvin Klein boxer briefs. My hair wilts like daffodils upon the intense heat of the blazing sun. The realization of the hardship that pickers experience sinks in as I dig my fingers into the moist soil and pick out freckled strawberries as if they were red headed fetuses. Fruit picking is a popular option by many backpackers, but for me, 45 minutes was plenty of time as I needed to keep my hands in ripe condition to purse my dream of becoming a hand model.

Some questionably Mexican migrants are just happy to have a job

The result of eating strawberries prior to washing them

As if downing 4 pounds of strawberries didn't bloat my bowels like an Ethiopian child full of sand, I thought the leaning tower of strawberry ice cream and a large strawberry milk shake could assist in curing my lactose intolerance

My ice cream pleaded for mercy by singing, "I can't feel my face when I'm with you,"... so I befriended him

After an intense hour of picking, "let's hit a brewery" proclaimed the alcoholics...who was also our driver

As the alcohol settled in, our drive for creativity heightened as we came across an old dirt bike trail. We constructed a fortress that would protect us from the strongest of mimes even while the men went out hunting and the women gathered....stories about how much their man sucks in bed 

We caught and cooked our prey that just happened to be in the shape of choad-esque weiners and cheap cuts of steak

We even took in the local "special kids" to help us make strawberry mojitos (pronounced mo-jai-toes)

Turns out that they laced the beverages 

...with anal beads 

...op, never mind... turns out that we were all just really horny...and slightly shriveled

I'm A Goat, Hear Me Bahhhhhhhh

In a valiant attempt, a group of us set off to explore a dangerously local island close to Auckland. Goat Island is notoriously famous for garks; creatures that not even the devil himself can tame. With serrated horns, razor sharp fins, and thick scales, garks have a tendency to maliciously maul its prey on land and then drag it down into the far depths of the ocean floor where it slowly and painfully bleeds out its food as if it was... halal. Unable to snorkel to the island itself due to poor weather conditions...

I was able to still get a clear shoot of a gark in action

Rare footage

 Garkin feces 

 While the weather may have not been in our favor, the surrounding wineries opened up their doors and gladly welcomed us earthy toned connoisseurs in.

It's A New Dawn. It's A New Day. It's A New Year

Prior to the sounds of poppers unenthusiastically cracking and drunken nonsense spilling from the slobbery lips of the masses, we found ourselves prepping for the work night ahead. While most normal people tend to use New Years as an excuse to get ridiculously intoxicated, with the logic, "oh I'm no longer an alcoholic, that was last years me," the overall consensus amongst us Hospo folks was...why stray away from the norm? So with our drinks raised, our stomachs bloated, and my cheeks looking a bit more like a disco ball, we came into work with smiles on our face and our butts lubed up in preparation for the strong, fast, and brutal black (k)night.

Special drank before work... 

That turned out to be coke...but in all fairness, it improved our work ethic

Baptized the filth...as well as our clothes off on the Morning of the 1st.

First Meal of the New Year: Spicy Indian food on a hung over stomach. New year means new toilet 

Movie/dress like a bum recovery night on the 1st

We lost a beloved friend that night. She never saw that slow styrofoam nerf pellet coming her way

Exsqueeze Me, I Need Some Clarity #3

Kiwi Phrase:
"Spinning Yarns"

Meaning:
Having usually productive or fascinating conversations with someone

Sentence:
"I was spinning some yarns with my mate"
"Come for the weather, stay for the yarns"

My First Experience with such lingo:

Due to the kiwi accent, yarn sounds extremely similar to yawn. Therefore I came to the conclusion that you converse with someone so much that they get tired. That the stories you tell them are so epic and the chatter is so long that they yawn. And yawns obviously have to do with your mouth as well. NO. This only led to mild embarrassment when I found out what the phrase actually was. Nothing a lifetime of therapy can't solve.

I'd spin yarns with dat ass

Take A Good Hard Look At The Mother#$%&*! Boat

With a depleted ozone layer, and a sparkling sun, it seemed only right to take yet another opportunity to get out of Auckland and darken my complexion to resemble Denzel Washington. A spur of the moment decision led to a road trip up north to an ex-gosling's house in Keri Keri/Kari Kari/Karee Karee/Karey Karey or however the hell you spell it.

As inclined as I was to post a picture of my head violently convulsing up and down, lips gaping open and drool on the precipice of waterfalling out my mouth while sleeping...I decided to go with this picture instead, conveying the 1% of the time I was awake on the road trip

These are the private parts of a private beach 

 Played an intense game of "lets see how far up the person's rectum we can throw this firm sandy ball" 

Obviously the game got us a bit aroused

Got deported back to China  

Raped and pillaged the native inhabitants 

Lost a short shorts competition

Accidentally drowned

 Translated a back tattoo which ironically turned out to just be a Chinese menu