Have you seen my dentures?

As per usual, my birfday revolved around food...

The Hobbit- An Unexpected Journey

A time of utter chaos and destruction loomed over Lower Earth. Racist orcs with unconvincing toupees were gathering the uneducated masses to overthrow...Obama. The world was terrified, and the fate of humanity laid in the feeble hands of 5 unique individuals.

The left two girls are Hobbits, daughters of Sir John Key, the Minister of the South. Notorious for drinking, they act out in hissy fits from being overshadowed by Troskey (their famous DJ sibling). Next to them, a gangly Ent, whose power is rightfully underestimated. He draws his agility and robotic movements from the brotherhood of the Crazy Wacky Inflatable Tube Men. To the right is an abnormally tall pirate Dwarf who smuggles vape accessories in his mighty ginger beard. And in front, an Elf with unparalleled power. With Elvish Asian eyes, and a helpful prescription, he's able to see like most normal men. It was up to these brave souls to restore balance in the world by finding their way to the Shire.

But first a bevy was in order

 And at nightfalls peak, they began their quest

Finding the journey treacherous 

But the views stunning

And just like that, they stumbled onto the entrance of the Shire 

Where they resumed their trades as a Baker

A Partier

And a common House Wench

And once again, balance and beauty were restored to all of humanity

Where it stayed like that until times end.

Why Is There a Cape on That Regina

The stale dry taste of muesli, hardened reduced priced bread, and loads of flavored tuna have been my substantial diet as a traveler. While working at the restaurant, I had the luxury of feeding on the leftovers from the plates of customers, but now, its back to penny pinching. As the cushion of cash I had saved slowly depletes, I find myself applying for one-off jobs, even clinical medial trails just to stay afloat. Who knows? Perhaps one of these trials could even assist me in my sexual performance or enhance my sensual prowess. But through the monotony of finding cash in hand jobs, I still find myself pursing what I came here to do-travel. So up, up, and away we went to the northern most point of this little island known as New Zealand.

Our traveling love machine Otis, was able to lure a young child in and suffocate him with comfortability

And like true adventures, we simply followed the rainbow

Which obviously led us to getting really fucking lost

But in time, we found our way along the smooth curvatures and hole-y places

 To reach pristine and untouched beauty 

 And it was upon our way back down south

That we prepared for battle with MASSIVE soft sand dunes

And although it may look like we lost, especially... in a domestic violence dispute

We were victorious in the end

When Smokey Bear Drops The Mic

A quick spark ignites behind the plastic orange cover to the glass washer. The smell of burnt wires wafts through the air as the creases in the machine start to bellow light grey smoke. The congregation of Glass Goose employees start to watch in amazement as all work comes to halt as if watching an accident on the freeway. The manager on duty requests that I empty out the water within, as I swiftly reply "...uhhh NO." If I've learned anything from Pokemon, it would be that Pikachu and Squirtle were not meant to be friends. And for that, I was denied my commission from Upper Management. When enquiring about it to the Site Manager, the conversation went as follows:

I remember the first day I stepped into the construction site that was The Glass Goose. Sawdust covered the floor, chairs needed unpacking, and shelves needed to be installed. We were a green bunch with pride in what we did and where we worked because we felt like we had helped build it. In the Hiring and Training role I had an opportunity to play a small part in obtaining such amazing staff that quickly turned into a family, and for that, I will always be eternally grateful. Although I wanted to leave on higher grounds and a happier note, my adopted family still sent me off with, as our 16-step selling system would say, a warm farewell.

A dinner illuminated by city lights and the glow of red suspenders

Left us broke 

So we ended up just going back to a familiar place

An Early Curfew For The Youngsters

Beneath the layers of makeup and revealing dresses, restaurant employees were getting ready for Hospo night at a local club in downtown Auckland. After church, we took off our Sunday best, and got ready to celebrate a night of people who serve others.

With a bit of pre gaming at our apartment

Some people went quite hard quite early

...and for that...they were punished

But the following day is where all the excitement laid. Just outside of Auckland resides an island renown for wine and rich white people. It is here that I decided to pursue my career as a gold digger while sipping on some nice earthy toned red wines.

Hungover immigrants being smuggled onto the island

First Wine Tasting Observation: Taste the same as every other wine in my life

And the best way to look damn good

Is by covering most of your face

Me attempting to kiss the feet of a wealthy white man in attempts to woo his wife

Tragicness strikes when the glass goes empty

But it was quickly refilled with...stuff

And from then on, I would like to think that things got pretty crunk

...but in reality, everyone just ended up falling asleep

and merely dreamed of being classy

East Coast Road Trippin In The Brother Of The Land Down Under

My first official time down to the South Island left me in awe as it was reminiscent of driving up the California 1 Coastal Highway. With fresh powder just greeting the peaks, awesome company, and the sun indiscreetly stalking us, it was breathtaking, yet captureable. Check it:

Finally Legal

A spacious motel on the North Shore set the ambiance for my Main Squeeze's surprise birfday celebration. Blindfolded and anxious, she sits in the passenger seat of my tinted van, lured in with the idea of sweets from a nice man. While adjacent cars shockingly stare at the young blindfolded girl, I reassure them to not panic by shouting out- "It's ok, she's legal now." Assuming this was the wrong thing to say, I wasn't going to let judgmental good samaritans ruin my minutes of planning this momentous event.

 An organized and tidy communal area 

Left room for recreational activities

And while some had cruise ship-esque accommodations

Others decided to conceive a child in ...our room  

And although the rooms seemed quite tidy, years of neglecting to clean the kitchen left this monstrous mold growing on the stove top

 So we gave him the name of Neapolitan, and decided to eat him 

And while liquid courage filled our hearts with love and our spirits with bravery, it obviously emptied our minds of any type of remote intelligence